I Hate Ridiculous Feminists, Part 1

Not all feminists, mind you. I only target the ridiculous ones. Some of my best friends are feminists. I consider myself one. But I have to admit, I've gotten sick of every little fucking thing being related back to the fact that I'm a female. Yes, I'm a girl/woman. Yes, I have a vagina. Yes, there are breasts involved too. That does not mean that every article I read about women and such womanly attributes needs to protect me from feeling the slightest bit bad about my body. Let's discuss.

Several years ago, eating disorders became a big deal. Everything was blamed, from parents to the fashion industry. The fashion industry seems to have lost the battle. Lucifer himself has a better public image. But, as far as I can tell anyway, nothing was ever said about one's own fragile psychology. Speaking as someone who was anorexic for years, I can say for damn sure that it had nothing to do with the fashion industry. It had little to do with my parents. It had to do with me, and feeling out of control. If there was anything to be protected from, it was myself. In fact, I'm so sick of hearing the fashion industry blamed for my teenage self's poor self-image that I now react unfavorably to any attempt to protect my fragile feminine self. Screw your BMI. Runway shows are about the clothes, not about the models. There's actually a reason they pick the girls who look like hangers. How come it all of the sudden became about how women felt about themselves? Now, before you judge me for the last comment, look at men's fashion. Behold the male model:

Hold on a sec, I'm still beholding. What? Oh, right. Okay, back to the post. I'm guessing your boyfriend/best friend/dude sitting to your right doesn't look like that. I'm also betting you've never read an article talking about how ads like this are harming the poor, fragile male psyche. So why do I need to be protected? And while we're at it, there are certain things out there that aren't exactly acceptable. Fat is a problem people. You can accept it or not, but it'll still kill you. In fact, it's about to take precedence over all those cigarettes that I smoked during the bar exam.

Anyway, never mind why I always need to be protected from feeling bad about myself, why is every goddamn women's fitness post somehow about my relationship to my body and how media, etc. is damaging it? Maybe I'm wearing a running skirt because it's comfortable and doesn't ride up. I can tell you it has nothing to do with looking sexy. A fitness blog I occasionally read, however, went totally apeshit on girls who run in skirts recently, claiming that as women, it's always about being sexy and stylish and clearly shouldn't be. Obviously, it claimed, if you're running in a skirt, your main concern is clearly not fitness. Your choice of attire has nothing to do with comfort and the fact that they don't ride up (the article has since been removed since the poor author felt attacked. Apparently a lot of people felt the same way that I do about her harsh blogging, but she couldn't stand harsh criticism). Today, I read another way off post, ostensibly talking about women and their sexy clothes, but ending up totally jumbled. You let me know if you can glean a coherent point from that, but the way I read it is thus: the fact that I occasionally wear a corset has nothing to do with curviness, or sexiness, or a desire to pleasantly surprise my boyfriend. It's because I need to be both hot and protected at the same time. Protected from what, I'm not sure, but clearly being semi-correct doesn't matter in the world of women's body-blogging.

Basically, my point is this: I am woman, hear me roar, or whine, or cry, or tell you that I need to lose a few. Do not tell me that this or that or the other thing is responsible for the way that I feel about me. Do not confuse EVERYTHING with the way that I feel about my body. It is my own, and the fact is, you're pissing me off way more than the size 00 girl sauntering down the runway.

Also, can I just rip off John Stewart for a second and cap off this angry little post with your "feel good about yourself no matter what" Moment of Zen: Dove, creator of the Campaign For Real Beauty, is owned by Unilever, which also owns Axe, creator of many, many commercials featuring naughty vixens overcome by the deployment of icky male body spray, and creators of the Naughty to Nice Program, designed to rehabilitate nice girls led astray by their delicious product. Can you say hypocrite? Because I'm pretty sure that, in this case, it rhymes with feminist.