Friends don't let friends commit fashion felonies

My friend Erica and I have often bonded over our shared taste in clothing, which skews slightly toward that of a seventeen-year-old with a fondness for Forever 21. But today, she sent me an email describing an intended purchase so baffling that even I, who own a dress made out of something resembling PVC (I've only ever worn it on Halloween, I swear), couldn't keep quiet. That item, my friends, is the terry cloth, short-short onesie.

To: Liza Jane
From: Erica
Re: (no subject)

Liza,
I hate to tell you this, because it's likely to ruin our friendship forever. But....here it goes. I think I'm going to buy, and wear, a short-short tube jumpsuit with contrasting trim. Possibly terrycloth. The good news is that I refuse to buy a velour one. That has to count for something. Because I can't hide my love for them anymore. And how trashy and wonderful they look with white pvc heels, or a large-chain gold necklace. Or both! I'm so sorry, and I hope you can understand someday. If you never want to be seen with me again, I understand. Just know that I love you, and I'm really sorry that you may have to let this come between us.
Erica

To: Erica
From: Liza
Re: Re: (no subject)

Erica,
Darling, you know that I could never stop loving you, even though you're planning to combine three things that could loosely be described as a beach cover-up, stripper chic, and ghetto fabulous. I have to say, that particular combination goes together about as well as ice cream, pickles, and BBQ sauce. And your refusal to buy velour merely cuts down slightly on the ghetto fabulous end, so don't think that you're getting off any easier. So, as much as I love you, I feel that I must warn you that there will be an intervention awaiting your return to New Orleans. I can't say when for sure, but I have faith that our friends, fearing for your well-being, will join me wholeheartedly.
For now, be well, and just remember that I'd only do this for your own good.
Always and forever (in spite of, or perhaps because of, questionable choice in clothing items),
Liz
P.S. I'm cc'ing Meg on this. I just don't feel that I can keep it from her, given its severity.

The sad part about all of this is that Meg and I realized at some point that Erica would likely look fabulous in this unholy creation, given her general teenyness and perfect booty. I'm so ashamed.

But seriously people, the power of that booty is strong. You'd be helpless too.

You're It

So I got tagged for this... here goes...

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) FeistyMnGirl
2) What Greg Likes
3) A Blog of a Good Time
4) Hoosier Joe
5) Don't Fight My Hypo

Select five people to tag:

1) Asenath
2) LSD
3) Ashley
4) Maria
5) Heddy

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Lemme see here. I was 15, which means that I wasn’t eating much (I had some issues) and distressing my parents by said lack of appetite.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Still in school, despite the fact that, as in the present, it was summer. Apparently, giant hurricanes will land you in class on a Saturday.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1) Cheese, all kinds of it, lactose intolerance be damned
2) Chips, especially Cool Ranch Doritos
3) Pita with hummus
4) Beer. What? That’s totally a snack.
5) Rice cakes, for when I’m feeling healthy

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
Shit, this is gonna be embarrassing…
1) Anything by Britney Spears (told you it would be embarrassing)
2) Born to Run – The Boss
3) Glamourous - Fergie
4) Synthesizer – Electric Six
5) How Do You Want It – Tupac, b/c apparently, I think I can rap

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1) I would buy a house on the beach and do nothing for the rest of my life but concentrate on premature wrinkles
2) Hold on, I’m still thinking about the beach…
3) Move to Paris and buy a fantastic house
4) Move to Venice and buy a house on the Grand Canal
5) Donate a ton of money to stem cell research

Five bad habits:
1) Getting blind drunk and forcing my cab driver to drive all over New Orleans looking for my lost credit card even though I later find out that it’s in my wallet (that only happened once, but still)
2) Never doing laundry
3) Spending too much mone, y on clothes that I don’t actually need
4) Occasionally having drunken cigarettes
5) Facebooking

Five things you like doing:
1) Shopping (see list of bad habits)
2) Hanging out near bodies of water (yes, the Tulane social pool counts)
3) Eating sushi with the ladies
4) Watching horrendously bad TV (See, ANTM, The Girls Next Door, etc., etc.)
5) Centering entire nights around eating too much and watching Grey’s or Top Chef with the girls


Five things you would never wear again:
1) Overalls
2) Acid washed jeans
3) Skinny jeans – they flatter no one, and should not have come back
4) Chunky shoes
5) Critter pants – this is something that I’ve never worn, obviously, but feel very strongly about. Guys, just DON’T go there.

Five favorite toys:
1) The Rabbit. Anyone who’s ever had one knows that the Sex and the City episode centered around said toy is totally correct.
2) Poindexter – my giant stuffed red dog. And no, his name is not Clifford.
3) My iPod.
4) My laptop.
5) My future Kitchenaid mixer – I don’t have one yet, because I can’t force myself to spend that much on a baking appliance, but one day it will be mine, and I will love it. Maybe in Surf Green, or yellow, or Mango.

Good luck

Happy June 1st! That's right, it's officially hurricane season. That magical day of the year when the Gulf Coast starts to brace itself. So get out your rabbit's feet, cross your fingers, and let's hope for another quiet one.

Y'all come back now

Dear Tourists,
Hey, what's up? Nice to have you here, helping out the economy and whatnot, but before your drinking and disaster tour begins, a few words of wisdom.

- On drinking: New Orleans probably has more bars per square foot than any other city in the US. Therefore, we expect you to party while you're here. But please, try not to throw up on the sidewalk. Yes, it happens occasionally. Sometimes you just can't make it back to your hotel. But before you get to that point ask yourself this: would I be happy about if someone threw up in my front yard? No, you wouldn't. It's gross and smells funny. So please, if you can, try to hold it in. We'll thank you for it.

- On traffic: It's not acceptable to cross the street, anywhere, anytime, with no regard for the traffic patterns, and then look scandalized when someone nearly runs you over. It's just not. This is doubly true if you happen to have a stroller with you. A stroller, to me, says "hey, be careful. You're responsible for not only your own life, but someone else's as well." So, if you step off the curb without looking, right into oncoming traffic, don't flip me off. You have no one to blame but yourself.

- On flashing: no, I'm not going to show you my tits. No way, no how. Give up. Yes, your beads are shiny and pretty. They're also $1.50/dozen next door. Thus, your dangling string of plastic baubles isn't nearly as exciting as you think it is. Seriously, stop asking. Only other tourists will flash you anyway.

That's all for now folks. So have fun, sample a daiquiri or two, take some pictures, enjoy your stay here in the Big Easy. And just remember, the Hurricanes are much stronger than you think they are.

Flippin' termites

Imagine a woman on the edge, half yelling, half crying with frustration, waving the vacuum hose around frantically in the air...

...and you have me, tonight. I fucking hate termite season.

Lazy Sunday (and Monday, and Tuesday...)

As many of you know, my current employment situation is, shall we say, nonexistent. It appears that good grades and a willingness to fetch coffee just to have something to write on your resume don't exactly go as far as they used to. So, currently, until I give in and decide to work for free serving the legal needs of other unemployed persons, I have titled myself a woman of leisure, which sounds fun, but I have a low tolerance for boredom. A rundown of my post-finals activities so far:

Tuesday: Superior margaritas by the pool
Wednesday: Superior margaritas. Drive friends home after said margaritas. Pool closed for the day.
Thursday: Hmmm, don't remember actually. Ah yes, now I've got it. Shopping for post-finals party costume, followed by Grey's night with the ladies.
Friday: post-finals party. May have had a wee bit too much to drink, followed by a cab ride of which we shall never speak again. Lose phone, and sunglasses.
Saturday: wake up, still partially intoxicated. Email all friends to apologize for behavior of the previous night, or what I remember of it. Friends assure me that I am still loveable. Eventually cab myself to uptown to retrieve car and phone, which someone kindly found and babysat for me. Vow never to drink again, and nurse hangover while watching most of the first season of Ugly Betty.
Sunday: Mother's day brunch, although not with my mother. More Ugly Betty watching and lounging.
Monday: lounge by pool until chased off by rain clouds. Email with friend who is gainfully employed about her first day of work. Go out for sushi. Bake cookies.
Tuesday: drive friend to car dealership (being the only one who is both an early riser and also unfettered by obligations like working). Take cat to vet. Come home and think about cleaning. Nap for an hour and a half instead. All entertainment options appear to be exhausted. Compose blog post.

So, there you have it. One week, and I'm already bored with my busy schedule of lounging around doing nothing. Shopping is out, as unemployment doesn't carry with it much of a salary. The weather is conspiring against my tan. Eating out every day is also out (again with the salary issues), and cleaning my apartment is boring.

Anyone need to have their coffee fetched?

Workin' on my fitness

7:00, French Quarter, morning run

Decatur St. Tiki Bar: run by bar. Am greeted by the smell of stale smoke and beer. Peer inside as I run by to find that, yes, there are actually people in there, drinking at 7:00 in the morning. Wonder if they've been there all night, or if they just got off of work. Wonder how much I'd have to rearrange my schedule before I considered it normal to start my "evening" at 7:00 a.m.

Decatur St., Jackson Square: run by horse carriage docking area. A bit funky, but not a big deal. Keep running.

Royal St. and Jackson Square: nearly run into man ambling down the street. He takes this as an invitation to hit on me. Decide that he must have been up all night, since I'm not exactly at my most attractive when all red-faced and panting. He yells that he likes my shorts as I run by. Suspicion that he has been up all night is confirmed.

Bourbon: strange homeless woman laughs at me and says something like "well aren't you funny." Would laugh, but lungs are about to explode.

Frenchman and Chartres: stop running briefly to catch my breath. Nose is violently struck by the fact that it's trash day and it's already 80 degrees outside. Am forced to start running again in order not to choke on the fumes. Suppose that this is one way to get in shape.

Note to self: this is so much more interesting than the elliptical.