As promised, back to our regularly scheduled bitching

Dear Lady in Front of Me at the Grocery Store,
Holy Mother of God, why are you writing a check for your groceries? More to the point, why are you not only writing a check, but taking 10 minutes to do so? Your signature needn't be in perfect calligraphic form. If you're worried that maybe the bank won't recognize your writing, trust me when I say that they'll take away your money, messy signature or not. In the meantime, you're holding the rest of us up, and I've been fidgeting and sort of rolling my eyes for a while now, in the hopes that it will induce you to hurry up. See, I don't know if you've noticed, but we're in the express lane, where people come to check out when they aren't buying that much or are, presumably, in a hurry. Look, it even says "Speedy Checkout" right there on the sign above the register. So, seriously, move your ass, because although I have nowhere important to be, I'd rather not stand in this line forever. And next time, remember your debit card. You know, that convenient little piece of plastic that is much faster than your antiquated checkbook? Although I don't like necessarily like Visa's recent commercials, or agree that the card is faster than cash, it's certainly faster than a checkbook, and it would really make me happy if you'd use it.
Thanks,
The Impatient Girl Standing Behind You