Home is Where the Headache is

Dear Apartment Lessors of D.C.,

Here is what I want:

- A decent sized one bedroom or two bedroom apartment
- In a reasonably safe neighborhood. Doesn't have to be awesome; I just don't want to get shot going to my car
- That is within walking distance to a metro - please note that I interpret walking distance liberally and will view most trips under 1.5 miles as exercise and thus not undesirable
- That allows me to bring my cat. He may be large, but he's not actually destructive unless you count repeatedly biting my legs when I walk by. I'm totally cool with pet deposits

Here is what I don't want:

- An apartment locator service. Fuck you if you think I'm going to pay a one-time fee before I've even seen anything just so that I can preview all of your wonderful listings.
- Advertisements that suggest that your building is near a Metro, when in fact said Metro is at least 2 miles away and requires me to swim across a river and jump a few train tracks to get to it.
- Ads that require me to sign up for some credit reporting service before you will even give me an address. Again, fuck you. I tried that today, because I liked the look of the apartment. I just spent the last 15 minutes on the phone trying to unsubscribe myself from all of the bullshit "FREE OFFERS!!!!!!!!!!!" that it signed me up for despite repeatedly hitting the "No thanks" button. I understand that you might want a credit check, but that's ridiculous. At least link to a reputable credit bureau or reporting agency.
- Ads that look legitimate (I'm not even talking about the obvious "$600 for a condo downtown!" ads) but lead to emails from "landlords" in the far reaches of Africa or the United Kingdom (when did London become a scammer haven? Last I checked most of those irritating emails came from Nigeria). I'm not giving you my information and you're not getting my money, because I'm not that stupid. I wish you luck though.

I don't think I'm asking too much. I really don't. I just want to live somewhere semi-safe and semi-roomy that doesn't cost $3000 a month and doesn't require me to do 20 different things before I can even come see the place. That's not so much, really it's not, and yet 30 minutes at a time on Craig's List is all I can handle at this point before I have the urge to pull my hair out while rocking in the corner. So if you're out there, and you want someone who's quiet and doesn't destroy things and pays her rent on time, call me. I'll be here, rocking, in my corner.