Dear Mr. Policeman,
Hmmm, are you in a hurry? You sure look like you are. I can tell because your lights are flashing and you're driving rather erratically. I bet it's something really important and you'd like to get there really quickly. I'd sure love to help you out, but there's only one problem: we're on an OFFRAMP. You know, those things that are really narrow, where you have to drive single-file? So, seriously, I'm going as fast as I can here. How about you stop swerving around behind me and beeping at me, because I can't do anything about it. The only thing that's going to happen if you continue to behave in this way is that you're going to force me off the road, and then you'll be forced to stop and pull me from my flaming car. And that, I'm guessing, would really delay you. So, do we have an understanding? We do? Great, thanks.

Happy, happy, happy, happy

I'm totally stealing this idea from my friend LSD, because I think it's a cute idea, especially during finals time when things are a little tense. Well, maybe a lot tense, actually. So, in no particular order, here's the list of things that are making me happy, even while wanting to throw my books off of a bridge (or at the closest gunner, you know, either one).

- My three foot tall, fiberoptic Christmas tree, decorated with all five of my ornaments. It may make a weird noise when it rotates on its base, but I firmly believe that sitting in front of its sparkly wonderfulness helps me study. Seriously, I concentrate sooo much better.

- My brand new couch. As much as I love my ugly pink chair, having a whole couch to spread out on is really quite nice. Before, I mostly studied on my bed, which just made me feel really lazy. Plus, there's not much better than a nice nap on the couch in the middle of the afternoon. All the restfulness, with none of the grogginess that comes from sleeping on the bed for two hours without meaning to.

- Grey's night, and my lovely ladies in general. Who else would go to Florida on an impulse, liberally share their closet, not laugh at my bad dancing, and tell me I look nice when I really really need to hear it?

- My fantastic boyfriend. He told me I smelled like sweetness and happiness the other day, which is just the nicest thing ever.

-Retail therapy. Need I say more?

-And finally, the thought that, even if finals are coming up a little too quickly, come tomorrow I won't have to get up every morning to come to class.

Overwhelming desire to be trendy claims another victim

I know I've posted before about the evil that is leggings, but I saw something today so horrible that I just couldn't remain silent. Pink Pirate and I were innocently walking back to school this afternoon when we saw, brace yourself, a pair of knee-length, flesh-colored, lace leggings. My retinas are forever scarred. They looked like some sort of disease was slowly crawling down the poor girl's leg. Seriously, the legging itself is bad enough, but when go and add lace that makes you look like you've fallen victim to a flesh-eating bacteria, you know you've gone too far. Horrified, Pink Pirate and I walked back to school, having decided that leggings actually are the work of the devil.

Food is sexy

I read an article today on MSN that listed the writer's favorite movies about food, according to categories. I disagree with his choices, so I made my own list, sans random categories.

1. Like Water For Chocolate: granted, the book is way hotter, waaay hotter, but the movie does its best. Food is so strongly linked to emotion, which is pretty much the way it is in real life. I mean, when I feel good or bad I eat accordingly. When I think of major events or holidays, I think of food. Yummy.

2. Chocolat: the author of the article disagrees with me; he calls the movie "corny." Whatever. Anyone who looks at chocolate as a religious experience is my kind of woman. And it has Johnny Depp. Hot.

3. 9 1/2 weeks. The sex scene in front of the refrigerator. That is all.

4. Breakfast at Tiffany's: technically not a food movie, but I'm okay with that. I would skip my usual bagel for diamonds, too.

5. When Harry Met Sally: author disagrees with me here too. It's cool. The food ordering scene is seriously funny. Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in a large restaurant is probably the best acting I've actually ever seen out of her.

Looking at the above list, you may think that I'm obsessed with food, sex, and jewelry...and I'm okay with that.

Update: Have given in to urge to exercise for charity

So, I know that I posted about how the whole idea of running for charity is just nuts. I still won't be running for charity, but I have given in and decided to walk. I resisted the idea at first, because, well, it just seems silly to pay $20 to walk three miles, since I could do this for free, should the urge strike me.

I will, however, pay $20 for the chance to wear goofy leggings and drink Bloody Mary's for three miles with some of my best girls. Normally I would also eschew the leggings, but I've been told that they say "Rock Star" down the side, which is pretty damn cool if you ask me.

So, the moral of the story is this: Liza will not run for charity, and she won't generally pay $20 to do something she doesn't want to do anyway, but give her a pair of leggings and the promise of a bloody mary, and her resolve crumbles.

It's all about me, aka The Longest Post Ever

I stole this from Ann, who stole it from someone else.

(Things I've done are in bold.)
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (I love hiking, it’s about the only exercise that I can stand)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (scared to death of even the tiniest spiders)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone (I don’t do baths, I get really bored, and I don’t like being all pruney. I’m more of a shower person)
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (I'm an idiot, I thought this meant you had to be on a boat)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (does it count if I just woke up really early for the purpose of watching the sun rise?)
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (Max planted a little garden in our backyard. We sort of neglect it sometimes, but it’s not hard to grow things in NOLA).
18. Touched an iceberg (Someday I’ll go to Alaska and do this)
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper (I was horrible at it, making it the only time I ever babysat, and the last time that I’ll ever do that. Ewwww.)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (last New Year’s, anyone?)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity (I once stupidly gave a panhandler ten bucks by accident, though)
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (In class, at least once a week)
27. Had a food fight (I asked my mom what she would do if I threw ravioli at her and she said she would wash my face with it. I threw the ravioli, and she followed through. It escalated from there.)
28. Bet on a winning horse (I didn’t win much, but then I didn’t have much to put down)
29. Asked out a stranger (I wouldn’t even call my boyfriend first for the first few months. I’m a big wimp.)
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb (I thought this said “lamp” at first)
33. Seen a total eclipse (However, when I was younger, and thus a bit stupid, I would look at the sun until I got too scared that I would go blind. It’s amazing that I still have good vision)
34. Ridden a roller coaster (love rollercoasters!)
35. Hit a home run (My lack of hand-eye coordination is embarrassing)
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (all the time)
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states (almost)
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk (my ex, all the damn time)
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe (I’m not really the backpacking type. I like hotels, not hostels)
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland (someday, hopefully)
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them (if I did that, I would expect the person to call security.)
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow (I grew in Lancaster county, what do you expect?)
56. Alphabetized your CDs (my friend Lindsay often laughs at me for being a little OCD)
57. Pretended to be a superhero (I was a dorky little kid, and totally obsessed with Sheera)
58. Sung karaoke (badly, really badly)
59. Lounged around in bed all day (I have issues sleeping late. I got up at 10 last weekend and my first thought was “Oh my god, half the day is gone.” Apparently, I have issues)
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving (coral really scares me)
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater (several times, never actually managed to watch the movie, though)
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (I know I’m kind of a dork, but, seriously.)
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch (just yesterday, actually)
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage (I’m totally counting being in plays when I was younger)
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date (I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. I expect a kiss on the first date if it’s gone well)
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house (my credit is so bad I probably won’t get one until I’m 50)
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently (For a while, until I quit Spanish)
95. Performed in Rocky Horror (This movie annoys me greatly)
96. Raised children (I don’t like kids, seriously)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over (I’ve always had a reason for moving)
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking (I was amused by the looks I was getting, actually, since my singing was quite enthusiastic)
103. Had plastic surgery (someday, probably)
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived (Haven’t been in that terrible an accident, knock on wood)
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback (a flashback? Huh? Is this a drug thing, ‘cause I’m a little confused)
108. Piloted an airplane (Flying scares the shit out of me)
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth (Watched it, but didn’t participate)
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone (Five times)
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears (my tongue)
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery (I don't think having tubes put in my ears counts, sort of. I got general anesthesia, so I say it counts)
120. Had a snake as a pet (Jackson the ball python)
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents (I want to travel a lot someday, but for now my budget doesn’t exactly allow)
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi (Love me some sushi)
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about (Apparently I must not be too persuasive, which is odd, since I’m in law school and all)
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach (can’t be helped if you live here)
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (a fish, which I feel kinda bad about now for some reason)
137. Skipped all your school reunions (I haven’t had one yet, and wouldn’t go if I did)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair (I didn’t even remember my natural color for a while)
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident (Just once, unless the count the two times that I ran into inanimate objects…I swear I’m a good driver now)
150. Saved someone’s life

Running? For charity? Are you crazy?

Scene: One of my friends, Lindsay, sent out a rather innocent email today, wondering if we would like to accompany her on a 5K run for charity, starting at 9 am, on a Saturday. The following demonstrates what happens when bored law students discover the “reply all” function.

Heddy G: Count me in! Do I get a tee shirt?

Me: I can run about a mile and half before I want to pass out. So, I’m going to vote myself out on this one. Have fun though.

Lindsay: Yes, you get a t-shirt, and for the rest of you…it’s only 3 or so miles and since I’m just getting back into the whole running thing…chances are I won’t be able to run the entire thing.

Me: Um, yeah, but there’s no way I’m going to make it the second 1.5 miles if I’m passed out on the side of the road, being trampled by the physically fit.

Lindsay claims that she is not, in fact, very fit and Heddy laughs at me, replying that her mental image is of me, passed out with a cigarette, yelling “stop stepping on me bitches!” This is probably quite accurate.

Me, responding to Lindsay’s claim: Whatever, Ms. "I have extra energy today, so maybe I'll go running AGAIN tonight, or maybe the gym." You know what I do when I wake up early enough to have some extra time to myself? I drink an extra cup of coffee.

Pink Pirate weighs in: I couldn’t run three miles if someone was chasing me with a knife, or Birkenstocks. I’ll stop with Liza Jane on the ground and we will have martinis and smoke while everyone else runs past. Perhaps we shall shout insults as well. I haven’t quite decided yet. P.S. I resent the “only” in Lindsay’s “it’s only 3 miles.”

PP then makes a list: Things I am willing to run for: Free food, free booze, shoe sale, George Clooney.

I second PP’s heckling suggestion, and she suggests some words of encouragement.

PP: “Move your asses, bitches!”

Heddy makes her own list of things to run for: free t-shirt, any of my top ten men, away from rapist, step toward 2-piece bathing suit, and kickball.

Big Booty Ho weighs in with a list: The opportunity to NOT get busted in BE for hiding behind my laptop and laughing, the opportunity to be the LAST person to cross the finish line in 5K race, behind the old ladies and the kittens, opportunity to run 5K race with a cocktail and cigarette, old men in tiny shorts.

PP: I think that we shall shout at people as they pass, esp. once I’m on my 2^nd martini. (Please imagine the cigarette, the martini, and the drunk voice. Oh, and the running clothes.)

This prompts a mental image of PP, in running clothes, on the ground, doing the drunk laugh that she does so well, while sloshing herself with vodka. Everyone starts giggling in class at this point, ducking down behind their laptops while turning red from the effort to stay quiet. PP and I see Big Booty Ho after class, who points out that we would need to move at least a bit in order to heckle the runners.

Me, in response to Booty’s suggestions: So, two options: (1) PP and Liza drink and drive, keeping a cooler full of Bloody Mary’s in the back, and driving incredibly slowly. (2) PP and Liza wait at the halfway point of the race, with aforementioned cooler, so as to provide both heckling and sustenance to fitness-crazed friends.

Option 2 won, that is until Emma came up with her own suggestions: (3) PP and Liza, wearing camelbacks full of vodka, ride bikes, drunk, swerving amongst the runners and avoiding race officials trying to kick them out. They try to give us sips without running over our toes with their tires, or (4) PP rides on my back, Liza on Lindsay's, pumping a mixture of Gatorade and tequila directly into our veins via rolling IV stands.

Obviously, option 4 won, thus demonstrating the problem of inviting the lazy and drunken to run for charity.

Studying paralysis

My slacking is catching up with me. For instance, right now I'm posting this instead of reading the case for my casenote, because it was making me sleepy, despite the fact that it's about strip clubs, and the court references New Kids on the Block many times. See, last year, everything was so packed together that I couldn't really stop. This year, it's different. Our semester is normal, not packed into 10 weeks. So, for the last few months, I've just kept saying to myself: "It's okay if I go out three or four nights this week, I still have ____ months to go before I really have to start studying." Well, now I have a month, maybe a little less. There's a casenote, and a paper, and studying for finals, and catching up on the 200 pages of EU reading that I neglected at the beginning of the semester. All of which adds up to a weird form of studying paralysis. It's like when I was younger, and my mom would tell me to clean my room, and the damn thing was so messy I didn't even know where to start. That's pretty much how I feel right about now. A sample of a typical thought process: Should I study? Well, I could, but that would entail actual thinking, so maybe I should take some "me time" and reread this trashy novel I've read five times previously. And maybe, while I'm at it, I could nap a little. Yes, napping would help. Then I'd be refreshed and better able to study.

I've become a master of rationalizing away my slacking behavior. Occasionally, I'll even refer to last year and blame my current lack of work ethic on residual burnout from the 1L year from hell. But, that's BS, since I did plenty of nothing this summer, and have no real excuse for engaging in more of it. Anyway, just thought I'd share, since I know that some of my friends are experiencing a similar "oh no, finals are coming" thought process, and slacking, like misery, does love company. And now, time to unfreeze my brain, and get back to reading about gentlemen's clubs.